Always a Rough Day

July 18th is always a day filled with memories... In some ways, it's more emotional than July 19th.

On July 18, 2007 I was reminded that things do not always go according to plan. After trying for over two years to get pregnant, God had nudged me in the right direction to find out why we weren't having success and our long-awaited, long-hoped-for, much anticipated baby was FINALLY on the way! Jesse and I saved up the money to attend Bradley classes and we did our homework faithfully. We were determined that I was going to get that natural birth I wanted! I read pregnancy books, breastfeeding books, books about natural parenting. I researched every baby product we ended up putting on our registry.

And then came that fateful day... I was just shy of 39 weeks. For a few weeks my blood pressure had been climbing. I had no signs of pre-eclampsia and the NST's showed no cause for concern. But I had a gut feeling something wasn't right. It wasn't jitters about the upcoming birth. Mother's intuition I guess. I kept feeling Ethan move inside my womb. I knew he was fine. My OB was concerned that I was still carrying him so high so he had scheduled an ultrasound to check something in my pelvic structure. He assured me that he would let me labor no matter what my pelvic bones looked like as long as Ethan and I were both tolerating labor. Despite all his reassurances (and I TOTALLY believed what he told me - I knew he was one of the best when it came to natural, med-free births, and a Christian!), I was dreading that ultrasound. I didn't know why. D-R-E-A-D-I-N-G it.

My appointment was scheduled for right after lunch. My OB was tied up in a meeting but the ultrasound tech knew what he needed to check. So he started. I was so nervous. I had had other ultrasounds but had never been scared before this one. He did some things I didn't expect. Like give my stomach a hard jar. He did warn me first though. He asked the nurse if Dr. H was back yet. He calmly said he needed to see him as soon as he came back in. By this point, I knew something was wrong. I tried to stay calm and reassured myself by watching Ethan's heart waves on the ultrasound monitor. They stayed strong and steady...

When Dr. H got there, the tech quietly gave him some measurements as he moved the ultrasound paddle around my stomach. Dr. H moved me to another room to talk to me while the tech set up for the next appointment. I knew it wasn't good news...

Dr. H buried his head in his hands. He told me that most women would be thrilled by what he was about to say. But he knew I wouldn't. The ultrasound showed my amniotic fluid was very low. Dangerously so. But that wasn't his only concern. Unexplained blood pressure rise + low amniotic fluid = likely placental failure in progresss. One way or another, Ethan was coming. Soon.

He checked me and I was less than a fingertip dilated, thick, and high. An induction was not going to work. He sent me to the hospital for a NST. He said that if Ethan showed the least bit of stress, they would immediately get me ready for a c-section. If he seemed to be okay, it would be scheduled for the next morning.

All our hopes for a calm, natural birth were gone. Replaced with lots of prayer for God to keep Ethan safe as long as he was in there. I didn't really question the need for the c-section. I had known for weeks something was wrong. I was thankful to finally know what it was.

For four years now I've relived that day. Especially on the anniversary of the day it happened - July 18.

Going back to that day... Ethan passed the NST so we spent the day preparing mentally, physically, and spiritually for what was coming. I only got a few hours sleep. I was too upset to sleep. Too worried.

Ethan was born the next morning. I'll spare you the details of the epidural etc. When Dr. H cut me open, the little bit of amniotic fluid that had been there less than 24 hours before was gone... But he weighed in at 6 lbs 2 oz and had no immediate problems.

The next few weeks were tough - I had a reaction to the epidural, Ethan was diagnosed failure-to-thrive, I wasn't able to breastfeed (not for lack of trying), he was fussy all the time, etc.

But more than the weeks after, and even more than the day of his birth, July 18 is the day that is so emotional. The day I remember so vividly. The day I found out nothing was going to go according to plan with his birth.

This is the first year I haven't gone hour by hour thinking about what I was doing that fateful day at that time. Probably because I was dealing with a lot today - all four of us are sick, Ethan had a really bad day, etc. Maybe that's a good thing.

It's getting easier with time. But it still makes me cry when I relive the details. I still haven't fully come to terms with it...

I Just Have to Say It...

We're still in the midst of moving but I Just have to say this...

When it's vitally important to you to "sleep train" your babies from a young age, eg CIO (Cry It Out), don't act so surprised when they're extremely attached to a security object as a toddler. Pacifier, blanket, stuffed animal, whatever it is.

I'd much rather my child be attached to ME versus some lifeless object. Not that attached kids don't have security objects, but they're not the child's primary source of comfort and security.

I could say lots more about this subject. Gonna stop now before I get myself worked up about it...

Where Am I?

For those of you who don't know me IRL, we are having to move on very short notice :( It's been nine years and two kids since our last move so things are really stressful and chaotic right now! After we're settled in at the new place I'll get back on here. And maybe an update or two in the meantime.

Take care!

Beanbags!

I did my first couple beanbags today! The second came out better than the first but the boys are enjoying both of them :D

I decided to do the paw print fleece first. I didn't have to stitch it inside out, and I had the thread to match. Plus it was high contrast, and Ethan liked it a lot :)

I started by cutting squares roughly 5 1/2 by 5 1/2 inches. I wanted the finished size to be about 5x5. The squares weren't even. When I go to Walmart, I'll pick up a pack of chalk to draw the cutting lines for the my next ones. Here's the second one pinned.



Next I stitched the 2 squares together. The rest of the pictures are of the first one I did. Since I forgot to take a picture of the first one pinned, I had to use the second.



Here's what I used to fill them. It says do not use for children's crafts but my mom, who has been crafting forever, said that was for legal reasons only ;) I decided on this filling because it was at Walmart where I was shopping, it wasn't very expensive ($5 for a 2# bag), and it's washable!



I left an unstitched hole big enough to fit a large funnel. That's how I filled them. I ended up using about 4 oz of the filling. I could have used a little less in the first, but it ended up perfect for the second (it was cut a tad bigger).



After I filled it, I stitched up the hole I had left. Here it is stitched and stuffed.



The other side.



And here is the finished product! The stitches aren't exactly straight, and I had trouble trimming the fabric even, but know what? I'm happy with the size, the boys are having fun with them, and I'm excited to have made a toy for them myself!!!



Here's Gabriel getting ready to throw it, again :) He kept throwing it and saying, "Ball!"



Here are all the fabrics I got to make beanbags out of. Each piece is 1/4 yard. I should be able to make 8 beanbags from each. Maybe more. The paw print and ducks are fleece. The next two animal prints are flannel. The light blue is minky.



I'll post pics of the finished product as I make more of them! Eventually... ;)

A (Gasp!) Evening to Myself :)

I had been fighting some depression last week. That-time-of-the-month wasn't helping matters any, but it was more than just that. I'm with the boys 24/7 except for church. Ethan will sometimes sleep other than with me for an hour or so, but Gabriel still won't. So I go to bed when they do, and read and/or surf in bed to wind down after they fall asleep. Yep, I am LITERALLY with them 24/7!

Friday evening Jesse unexpectedly told me he would watch the kids so I could get out of the house for a few hours! BY MYSELF!

First stop - Jesse wanted me to get burgers for him and the boys. Then I had my choice of where to eat supper! But where to go?! I finally settled on the Mexican place we had eaten at for the last Mom's Night Out. It was fairly quick, not crowded, and yummy :) I ate a chimichanga filled with shrimp and grilled veggies, Mexican rice, and refried beans - all of it with white queso. YUM!

From there I went to the mall. My phone was getting old and had been acting up so I went to go play with the phone I was looking at replacing it with.

Next to B&N! I passed up the Godiva double chocolate cheesecake at Starbucks and decided to get something at a (better) coffeehouse later. I replaced the boys' Hop on Pop board book that we can't find and Ethan has been wanting to "read." Then I sat with my nook and decided to take advantage of the Read In Store option on it. I had 1 hour to read any book available on my nook. A while back I downloaded the sample of "Raising Your Spirited Child" and was anxious to read more of it! So that's what I did for a while. I was able to browse more of the how-to's and saw that the rest of the book was better than what I had read so far! I ended up buying it LOL

I left before my hour was up and headed to the coffeehouse. It's only about a mile from my house so it was the perfect place to wind down! I figured that even though it's near the university and usually crowded, it would be quieter on Friday night. I was right :) I sipped a decaf chocolate iced coffee and read more of Jane Eyre. Some light jazz was playing in the background, and the later it got, the more deserted it was. By 11pm there was only one other customer in there. Other people came in and got coffee to go, but not too many. I didn't leave for home till 11:45 - 15 minutes before they closed.

It was so nice to get out by myself for a while! It did so much to recharge my batteries :) I hadn't been sleeping good, but I have since then. And my patience and tolerance with the boys has been better.

This introverted Momma REALLY needed that me time!!!

Feeling Crafty

Monday I picked up some fabric. I wanted a project that would be easy, not take up much room to do, and cheap. I also wanted it to be for the boys. So I ended up with 5 different fabrics to make beanbags! I got 2 flannels, 2 fleece, and a minky. Gabriel LOVES soft textures right now, so I chose accordingly! Once they're cut out, I can sit in the living room and sew them up (by hand - I don't have a machine) while the boys play. I ended up picking up a bag of the washable stuffing beads at Walmart today. It was $5 for a 2# bag. If I pick up one a week till I have enough, it won't be a hit on the budget, and I won't be making them faster than that anyway! I'll try to get a pic of the fabrics and upload it.

I love to cross stitch! I love to be creative! But since Ethan was born I just haven't been able to do much :( And I really miss it! I get creative in the kitchen but that just isn't the same... While I was pregnant with Gabriel I handmade Ethan a pillowcase for a travel-sized pillow. That's the only thing I've done in a loooong time. Other than bringing my cross stitch to Mom's Night Out sometimes and working for about an hour there.

Really looking forward to working on something for the boys :D

Delay (Ethan's Assessments)

Our social worker was out sick last week, so we're rescheduled for next week! They'll be doing the interaction eval with Jesse and Ethan. Gonna be interesting...