Public Parenting Vs Parenting in Private

Or more accurately, Parenting At Home Vs Parenting When Not At Home. And I'm speaking mainly of Ethan.

Some basic facts about Ethan:
1. He has anxiety issues
2. He is easily overstimulated
3. His anxiety is worse when he's around more than a few people or around people he's not very familiar with
4. He feeds off the emotions of others

Which all combines to make parenting outside of our home a challenge...

It's not that I parent 100% differently at home versus not at home. There are certain basics that stand regardless of place or circumstances. For example, hitting is absolutely not acceptable! With that said, the way I handle behavior issues is not always the same.

Away from home, I've noticed that Ethan usually acts up when:
1. He's anxious
2. He's overstimulated
3. He's around a lot of people or ones he's not very familiar with
4. Others around him are anxious or emotional
5. He's tired (which makes him more sensitive to 1-4)

When we're not at home, I tend to "baby him" more. I diffuse situations whenever possible, sometimes at the expense of forcing obedience. Why? Because it's what works. If I'm stricter with him, he bucks back. Sometimes, that's what has to happen because he HAS to obey. Like if we need to leave somewhere and he doesn't want to go. I will diffuse and coax to a certain point, but then there is no arguing. I will be as firm as I need to be. It's hard even in those situations to keep your cool, outwardly at least. But the more worked up I am in dealing with him, the more anxious he gets. And the more he resists. And the bigger tantrum he throws. And the less chance I have of getting him to cooperate. Even if I'm forcefully holding him in the carseat to get him buckled in, with him screaming and hitting and scratching, I have to CALMLY tell him it's time to leave, and buckle him in without yelling and being more forceful than necessary.

Other people see the way I deal with him when we're not at home and assume that's how I always "discipline." This is so not the case! I do try to diffuse at home. But I insist on more straight obedience here. When we're out and about, I take into consideration that he's likely overstimulated, and am not as firm with him. Because I know in that state of mind, I will get more cooperation being as gentle as possible. And yep, I even compromise or give in more when we're not home. Why? Same reason - I will get more cooperation in the long run.

Do I think diffusing more, compromising more, or outright giving in more undermines what I do at home? Undermines his respect for me as the parent? Undermines his respect for authority? Makes him think he can behave worse in public and get away with it? I think not! If you had your child at a grocery store and s/he started running a fever and got whiny, would you be more tolerant as you rushed to the checkout than you would be with a healthy child? Or would you say that the reason doesn't matter and discipline the child for their behavior?

It's the same with something wrong mentally. You have to make allowances for when that "symptom" appears.

Yeah... Sometimes he's acting up just because he's a kid. But if I even suspect one of the four conditions are in effect, I WILL adjust my parenting/discipline style accordingly.

And please, please, PLEASE! Think twice before you judge the way others parent. You don't know what may be going on with that child physically, emotionally, or mentally that's influencing their behavior or their parent's reaction. ALWAYS err on the side of grace!!!