The boys and I ate lunch out with my mom today. After a while, Gabriel got fussy in his high chair. Ethan said, "Mommy, let's pray." I asked what we were going to pray for. He said, "Pray, Gabriel's sad." Warmed my heart :-)
We had a rough situation with the car this morning. Ethan was in the midst of it but was so good! He stayed mostly calm through a stressful situation. When we finally left, Jesse asked me to get him a reward for handling things so well. There's a book I've been wanting to get him so I bought it as his reward. I gave it to him in the store but he wasn't nearly as excited as I thought he would be. After we got home, I reminded him about his new book - something that's usually an exciting thing. Instead he calmly explained that he didn't want his book because he would "put it behind the couch." :-( It's his current OCD manifestation. When he shoves a paper or thin book down the small space where the top of the back of the couch doesn't quite meet the wall, they may as well be in a black hole. We can't get them back out short of moving at least two pieces of furniture.
He recognized tonight that if he had the book in his hands, he would drop it into the abyss. It's like when he wouldn't hold his sippy or Puppy in the car because he knew he would throw them down.
It broke my heart... He said it so calmly, so matter-of-fact.
And so his reward, ended up being anything but... :-(
I'll put the book away for another time. One day he'll be able to enjoy it...
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Public Parenting Vs Parenting in Private
Or more accurately, Parenting At Home Vs Parenting When Not At Home. And I'm speaking mainly of Ethan.
Some basic facts about Ethan:
1. He has anxiety issues
2. He is easily overstimulated
3. His anxiety is worse when he's around more than a few people or around people he's not very familiar with
4. He feeds off the emotions of others
Which all combines to make parenting outside of our home a challenge...
It's not that I parent 100% differently at home versus not at home. There are certain basics that stand regardless of place or circumstances. For example, hitting is absolutely not acceptable! With that said, the way I handle behavior issues is not always the same.
Away from home, I've noticed that Ethan usually acts up when:
1. He's anxious
2. He's overstimulated
3. He's around a lot of people or ones he's not very familiar with
4. Others around him are anxious or emotional
5. He's tired (which makes him more sensitive to 1-4)
When we're not at home, I tend to "baby him" more. I diffuse situations whenever possible, sometimes at the expense of forcing obedience. Why? Because it's what works. If I'm stricter with him, he bucks back. Sometimes, that's what has to happen because he HAS to obey. Like if we need to leave somewhere and he doesn't want to go. I will diffuse and coax to a certain point, but then there is no arguing. I will be as firm as I need to be. It's hard even in those situations to keep your cool, outwardly at least. But the more worked up I am in dealing with him, the more anxious he gets. And the more he resists. And the bigger tantrum he throws. And the less chance I have of getting him to cooperate. Even if I'm forcefully holding him in the carseat to get him buckled in, with him screaming and hitting and scratching, I have to CALMLY tell him it's time to leave, and buckle him in without yelling and being more forceful than necessary.
Other people see the way I deal with him when we're not at home and assume that's how I always "discipline." This is so not the case! I do try to diffuse at home. But I insist on more straight obedience here. When we're out and about, I take into consideration that he's likely overstimulated, and am not as firm with him. Because I know in that state of mind, I will get more cooperation being as gentle as possible. And yep, I even compromise or give in more when we're not home. Why? Same reason - I will get more cooperation in the long run.
Do I think diffusing more, compromising more, or outright giving in more undermines what I do at home? Undermines his respect for me as the parent? Undermines his respect for authority? Makes him think he can behave worse in public and get away with it? I think not! If you had your child at a grocery store and s/he started running a fever and got whiny, would you be more tolerant as you rushed to the checkout than you would be with a healthy child? Or would you say that the reason doesn't matter and discipline the child for their behavior?
It's the same with something wrong mentally. You have to make allowances for when that "symptom" appears.
Yeah... Sometimes he's acting up just because he's a kid. But if I even suspect one of the four conditions are in effect, I WILL adjust my parenting/discipline style accordingly.
And please, please, PLEASE! Think twice before you judge the way others parent. You don't know what may be going on with that child physically, emotionally, or mentally that's influencing their behavior or their parent's reaction. ALWAYS err on the side of grace!!!
Some basic facts about Ethan:
1. He has anxiety issues
2. He is easily overstimulated
3. His anxiety is worse when he's around more than a few people or around people he's not very familiar with
4. He feeds off the emotions of others
Which all combines to make parenting outside of our home a challenge...
It's not that I parent 100% differently at home versus not at home. There are certain basics that stand regardless of place or circumstances. For example, hitting is absolutely not acceptable! With that said, the way I handle behavior issues is not always the same.
Away from home, I've noticed that Ethan usually acts up when:
1. He's anxious
2. He's overstimulated
3. He's around a lot of people or ones he's not very familiar with
4. Others around him are anxious or emotional
5. He's tired (which makes him more sensitive to 1-4)
When we're not at home, I tend to "baby him" more. I diffuse situations whenever possible, sometimes at the expense of forcing obedience. Why? Because it's what works. If I'm stricter with him, he bucks back. Sometimes, that's what has to happen because he HAS to obey. Like if we need to leave somewhere and he doesn't want to go. I will diffuse and coax to a certain point, but then there is no arguing. I will be as firm as I need to be. It's hard even in those situations to keep your cool, outwardly at least. But the more worked up I am in dealing with him, the more anxious he gets. And the more he resists. And the bigger tantrum he throws. And the less chance I have of getting him to cooperate. Even if I'm forcefully holding him in the carseat to get him buckled in, with him screaming and hitting and scratching, I have to CALMLY tell him it's time to leave, and buckle him in without yelling and being more forceful than necessary.
Other people see the way I deal with him when we're not at home and assume that's how I always "discipline." This is so not the case! I do try to diffuse at home. But I insist on more straight obedience here. When we're out and about, I take into consideration that he's likely overstimulated, and am not as firm with him. Because I know in that state of mind, I will get more cooperation being as gentle as possible. And yep, I even compromise or give in more when we're not home. Why? Same reason - I will get more cooperation in the long run.
Do I think diffusing more, compromising more, or outright giving in more undermines what I do at home? Undermines his respect for me as the parent? Undermines his respect for authority? Makes him think he can behave worse in public and get away with it? I think not! If you had your child at a grocery store and s/he started running a fever and got whiny, would you be more tolerant as you rushed to the checkout than you would be with a healthy child? Or would you say that the reason doesn't matter and discipline the child for their behavior?
It's the same with something wrong mentally. You have to make allowances for when that "symptom" appears.
Yeah... Sometimes he's acting up just because he's a kid. But if I even suspect one of the four conditions are in effect, I WILL adjust my parenting/discipline style accordingly.
And please, please, PLEASE! Think twice before you judge the way others parent. You don't know what may be going on with that child physically, emotionally, or mentally that's influencing their behavior or their parent's reaction. ALWAYS err on the side of grace!!!
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