That's the main thing I feel where Ethan is concerned. Validation that his issues aren't all in my head. Validation that there IS something going on. Validation that in addition to friends and family members seeing it, mental health professionals see it. Validation that his anxiety is bad enough that a pediatric psychiatrist thinks he's borderline having a clinical anxiety disorder and wanted him formerly tested for it. Validation that we did the right thing getting help. Validation that the people who told us he just needs more and better discipline and the problems would stop are wrong. Validation that we're not bad parents because of the way he acts. And it was nice to get validation from the social worker after one of the assessments that I am doing a lot right :)
If you've never been in a similar situation, it's difficult to understand what it's like on a daily basis. The validation I feel gives me more confidence in parenting him. And in the direction we're headed...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Anxiety Assessment
We got a call from the mental health unit Wednesday. The psychologist (who only comes once a month) was there that day and someone had cancelled their assessment that was scheduled for that afternoon. Would we like to take the spot and do Ethan's anxiety assessment? Uh, let me think about it, YES!
I wasn't in there while they did it but it lasted almost an hour. The psychologist told me that Ethan did very well and that he was adorable :) She said she's had a lot of assessments lately and is behind on doing the reports for them. She'll be back in 2 weeks, then 4 weeks after that. She said there's no way she'll have the results ready in 2 weeks, but unless something major happens she'll have them in 6. So by mid-May we should have them.
In the meantime, we have at least 2-3 weeks' worth of regular assessments left. And there are things his social worker can be starting with him and us while we're waiting on the anxiety assessment results.
I saw the program director while I was there Thursday. She said it's only taken us a little over a month to get as far as it takes most people at least 3-4 months to get. We've been able to take advantage of 2 cancellations opening a spot for us to see the people we needed to. I totally see God's hand in all of this! And Wednesday we were having car trouble that was resolved a few minutes after they called me about filling in for that appointment... Wow...
I wasn't in there while they did it but it lasted almost an hour. The psychologist told me that Ethan did very well and that he was adorable :) She said she's had a lot of assessments lately and is behind on doing the reports for them. She'll be back in 2 weeks, then 4 weeks after that. She said there's no way she'll have the results ready in 2 weeks, but unless something major happens she'll have them in 6. So by mid-May we should have them.
In the meantime, we have at least 2-3 weeks' worth of regular assessments left. And there are things his social worker can be starting with him and us while we're waiting on the anxiety assessment results.
I saw the program director while I was there Thursday. She said it's only taken us a little over a month to get as far as it takes most people at least 3-4 months to get. We've been able to take advantage of 2 cancellations opening a spot for us to see the people we needed to. I totally see God's hand in all of this! And Wednesday we were having car trouble that was resolved a few minutes after they called me about filling in for that appointment... Wow...
Friday, March 25, 2011
We Have a Toddler!
The day he turned 15 months, Gabriel took a few shuffle-steps. A couple days later Jesse counted as he took 11 steps! Then a couple days ago I walked out of the kitchen to find this...
He had climbed onto his brother's chair and then up to the table! And then started turning the hall light on and off :p He toppled the basket on the left side of the picture, then was apparently reaching for something else just out of his reach when he fell. I think he was more frustrated than hurt LOL I found him up there again today, and again he toppled the basket then fell. He's also climbed on top of toys to get on the futon and couch.
He's still really wobbly and bow-legged when he walks, but I know that will get better with time. Need to get some video of it before he learns the right way ;)
So... I have a toddler and a climber, all in a couple weeks' time!
He had climbed onto his brother's chair and then up to the table! And then started turning the hall light on and off :p He toppled the basket on the left side of the picture, then was apparently reaching for something else just out of his reach when he fell. I think he was more frustrated than hurt LOL I found him up there again today, and again he toppled the basket then fell. He's also climbed on top of toys to get on the futon and couch.
He's still really wobbly and bow-legged when he walks, but I know that will get better with time. Need to get some video of it before he learns the right way ;)
So... I have a toddler and a climber, all in a couple weeks' time!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Update on Ethan's Testing
Last Thursday before I did the interview, we got a call that the doctor had a cancellation and we were offered that appointment with her. We were with the doctor for 2 1/2 hours! She was so nice! Very attentive, seemed knowledgeable, etc. She asked a LOT of questions, watched Ethan play by himself, took him for a short walk by herself, played with him without me in there, and watched he and I play together by ourselves. At the end she told me that she didn't see anything pathological. She said he had an anxious temperament and that there were definitely issues they could work with us on :) I trusted the doctor's judgement, but a part of me still felt like there was something more going on. I just didn't feel at peace about it. But I didn't say anything to anyone. Except in prayer of course ;)
Today (exactly a week later), the doctor called and told me that after she met with us, she started questioning her "diagnosis." She said she felt he was borderline and ended up talking to the psychologist that comes once a month about his case. What came out of that is that the psychologist will be doing a formal anxiety assessment with him! The doctor said the office would be calling me to schedule it but that she wanted to talk to me personally about it first.
I didn't want to blog about how things were going before now because I didn't want to make myself worse by putting it down on paper ;) But after what happened today, I feel a lot better about the direction we're headed! And no matter what shows on the anxiety assessment, it will help his treatment team fine-tune their plan :)
Today (exactly a week later), the doctor called and told me that after she met with us, she started questioning her "diagnosis." She said she felt he was borderline and ended up talking to the psychologist that comes once a month about his case. What came out of that is that the psychologist will be doing a formal anxiety assessment with him! The doctor said the office would be calling me to schedule it but that she wanted to talk to me personally about it first.
I didn't want to blog about how things were going before now because I didn't want to make myself worse by putting it down on paper ;) But after what happened today, I feel a lot better about the direction we're headed! And no matter what shows on the anxiety assessment, it will help his treatment team fine-tune their plan :)
Sunday, March 6, 2011
First Assessment DONE!!!
Well, part 1 is done :)
Approximately 45 minutes worth of Ethan and I by ourselves doing puzzles, playing with toys, and then the last part... I had to leave the room for 3 minutes so they could see his level of separation anxiety. The last part went fairly well except it ended up being longer than 3 minutes because he decided to lock the door and the social worker had to go track down the key :p Locking doors is a new, fun skill at home (NOT fun for us!) and he decided to demonstrate it for them too LOL The social worker said she got "lots of good information" from our interactions. I guess that's a good thing!
It was a bit unnerving knowing that my every action and word was being videotaped and will be watched, analyzed, and picked apart by multiple people... But I tried to act as naturally as I could. And they got a decent tantrum on the tape ;)
This week will be the interview with me. The next week Jesse will do the interaction eval I did with him, then the next week will be his interview. After that we may have a couple weeks of therapy before we get to meet with the doctor and do a formal treatment plan.
But we are now officially in the system :D
Approximately 45 minutes worth of Ethan and I by ourselves doing puzzles, playing with toys, and then the last part... I had to leave the room for 3 minutes so they could see his level of separation anxiety. The last part went fairly well except it ended up being longer than 3 minutes because he decided to lock the door and the social worker had to go track down the key :p Locking doors is a new, fun skill at home (NOT fun for us!) and he decided to demonstrate it for them too LOL The social worker said she got "lots of good information" from our interactions. I guess that's a good thing!
It was a bit unnerving knowing that my every action and word was being videotaped and will be watched, analyzed, and picked apart by multiple people... But I tried to act as naturally as I could. And they got a decent tantrum on the tape ;)
This week will be the interview with me. The next week Jesse will do the interaction eval I did with him, then the next week will be his interview. After that we may have a couple weeks of therapy before we get to meet with the doctor and do a formal treatment plan.
But we are now officially in the system :D
Thursday, March 3, 2011
A :-) and a :-( from Ethan
The boys and I ate lunch out with my mom today. After a while, Gabriel got fussy in his high chair. Ethan said, "Mommy, let's pray." I asked what we were going to pray for. He said, "Pray, Gabriel's sad." Warmed my heart :-)
We had a rough situation with the car this morning. Ethan was in the midst of it but was so good! He stayed mostly calm through a stressful situation. When we finally left, Jesse asked me to get him a reward for handling things so well. There's a book I've been wanting to get him so I bought it as his reward. I gave it to him in the store but he wasn't nearly as excited as I thought he would be. After we got home, I reminded him about his new book - something that's usually an exciting thing. Instead he calmly explained that he didn't want his book because he would "put it behind the couch." :-( It's his current OCD manifestation. When he shoves a paper or thin book down the small space where the top of the back of the couch doesn't quite meet the wall, they may as well be in a black hole. We can't get them back out short of moving at least two pieces of furniture.
He recognized tonight that if he had the book in his hands, he would drop it into the abyss. It's like when he wouldn't hold his sippy or Puppy in the car because he knew he would throw them down.
It broke my heart... He said it so calmly, so matter-of-fact.
And so his reward, ended up being anything but... :-(
I'll put the book away for another time. One day he'll be able to enjoy it...
We had a rough situation with the car this morning. Ethan was in the midst of it but was so good! He stayed mostly calm through a stressful situation. When we finally left, Jesse asked me to get him a reward for handling things so well. There's a book I've been wanting to get him so I bought it as his reward. I gave it to him in the store but he wasn't nearly as excited as I thought he would be. After we got home, I reminded him about his new book - something that's usually an exciting thing. Instead he calmly explained that he didn't want his book because he would "put it behind the couch." :-( It's his current OCD manifestation. When he shoves a paper or thin book down the small space where the top of the back of the couch doesn't quite meet the wall, they may as well be in a black hole. We can't get them back out short of moving at least two pieces of furniture.
He recognized tonight that if he had the book in his hands, he would drop it into the abyss. It's like when he wouldn't hold his sippy or Puppy in the car because he knew he would throw them down.
It broke my heart... He said it so calmly, so matter-of-fact.
And so his reward, ended up being anything but... :-(
I'll put the book away for another time. One day he'll be able to enjoy it...
Getting Nervous...
So tomorrow's the big day. We were gone ALL day today. Like, 11 1/2 hours all day! The day started with a dead car battery, Mom had PT, and we had a ton of errands to run. I know neither Ethan nor I will be at our best tomorrow. Maybe that's for the best...
It will be so strange having 45 uninterrupted minutes alone with Ethan! That NEVER happens :( And knowing that every bit of that time will be watched live, video'ed, and rewatched countless times... It's a bit unnerving!
I'm trying not to feel like I'll be being judged but that is how I feel. And to a certain extent, it's what will happen. They'll be looking at how Ethan and I relate to each other.
Next week it will be Jesse's turn.
But tomorrow it's MY turn. Praying Ethan and I both can get some good sleep tonight and be at least somewhat rested for our big day...
It will be so strange having 45 uninterrupted minutes alone with Ethan! That NEVER happens :( And knowing that every bit of that time will be watched live, video'ed, and rewatched countless times... It's a bit unnerving!
I'm trying not to feel like I'll be being judged but that is how I feel. And to a certain extent, it's what will happen. They'll be looking at how Ethan and I relate to each other.
Next week it will be Jesse's turn.
But tomorrow it's MY turn. Praying Ethan and I both can get some good sleep tonight and be at least somewhat rested for our big day...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
What I Suspect...
After the assessment process is finished, here's what I think they may find:
Definite - anxiety, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)
Probable - ODD (oppositional defiant disorder)
Possible - social anxiety
Should find out in about a month...
When he gets frustrated lately, he hits himself and/or pulls his hair hard. Particularly when we have to fuss at him. Breaks my heart to see him purposely hurt himself :-(
Definite - anxiety, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)
Probable - ODD (oppositional defiant disorder)
Possible - social anxiety
Should find out in about a month...
When he gets frustrated lately, he hits himself and/or pulls his hair hard. Particularly when we have to fuss at him. Breaks my heart to see him purposely hurt himself :-(
WOOHOO!!!
Ethan's assessments start Friday! This means we are officially in :-D Friday will be Ethan and me. They'll be evaluating our interactions in a room of toys. Then next week will be Jesse's turn - same eval. We're so anxious to get this going! Especially the way the past few days have gone...
Public Parenting Vs Parenting in Private
Or more accurately, Parenting At Home Vs Parenting When Not At Home. And I'm speaking mainly of Ethan.
Some basic facts about Ethan:
1. He has anxiety issues
2. He is easily overstimulated
3. His anxiety is worse when he's around more than a few people or around people he's not very familiar with
4. He feeds off the emotions of others
Which all combines to make parenting outside of our home a challenge...
It's not that I parent 100% differently at home versus not at home. There are certain basics that stand regardless of place or circumstances. For example, hitting is absolutely not acceptable! With that said, the way I handle behavior issues is not always the same.
Away from home, I've noticed that Ethan usually acts up when:
1. He's anxious
2. He's overstimulated
3. He's around a lot of people or ones he's not very familiar with
4. Others around him are anxious or emotional
5. He's tired (which makes him more sensitive to 1-4)
When we're not at home, I tend to "baby him" more. I diffuse situations whenever possible, sometimes at the expense of forcing obedience. Why? Because it's what works. If I'm stricter with him, he bucks back. Sometimes, that's what has to happen because he HAS to obey. Like if we need to leave somewhere and he doesn't want to go. I will diffuse and coax to a certain point, but then there is no arguing. I will be as firm as I need to be. It's hard even in those situations to keep your cool, outwardly at least. But the more worked up I am in dealing with him, the more anxious he gets. And the more he resists. And the bigger tantrum he throws. And the less chance I have of getting him to cooperate. Even if I'm forcefully holding him in the carseat to get him buckled in, with him screaming and hitting and scratching, I have to CALMLY tell him it's time to leave, and buckle him in without yelling and being more forceful than necessary.
Other people see the way I deal with him when we're not at home and assume that's how I always "discipline." This is so not the case! I do try to diffuse at home. But I insist on more straight obedience here. When we're out and about, I take into consideration that he's likely overstimulated, and am not as firm with him. Because I know in that state of mind, I will get more cooperation being as gentle as possible. And yep, I even compromise or give in more when we're not home. Why? Same reason - I will get more cooperation in the long run.
Do I think diffusing more, compromising more, or outright giving in more undermines what I do at home? Undermines his respect for me as the parent? Undermines his respect for authority? Makes him think he can behave worse in public and get away with it? I think not! If you had your child at a grocery store and s/he started running a fever and got whiny, would you be more tolerant as you rushed to the checkout than you would be with a healthy child? Or would you say that the reason doesn't matter and discipline the child for their behavior?
It's the same with something wrong mentally. You have to make allowances for when that "symptom" appears.
Yeah... Sometimes he's acting up just because he's a kid. But if I even suspect one of the four conditions are in effect, I WILL adjust my parenting/discipline style accordingly.
And please, please, PLEASE! Think twice before you judge the way others parent. You don't know what may be going on with that child physically, emotionally, or mentally that's influencing their behavior or their parent's reaction. ALWAYS err on the side of grace!!!
Some basic facts about Ethan:
1. He has anxiety issues
2. He is easily overstimulated
3. His anxiety is worse when he's around more than a few people or around people he's not very familiar with
4. He feeds off the emotions of others
Which all combines to make parenting outside of our home a challenge...
It's not that I parent 100% differently at home versus not at home. There are certain basics that stand regardless of place or circumstances. For example, hitting is absolutely not acceptable! With that said, the way I handle behavior issues is not always the same.
Away from home, I've noticed that Ethan usually acts up when:
1. He's anxious
2. He's overstimulated
3. He's around a lot of people or ones he's not very familiar with
4. Others around him are anxious or emotional
5. He's tired (which makes him more sensitive to 1-4)
When we're not at home, I tend to "baby him" more. I diffuse situations whenever possible, sometimes at the expense of forcing obedience. Why? Because it's what works. If I'm stricter with him, he bucks back. Sometimes, that's what has to happen because he HAS to obey. Like if we need to leave somewhere and he doesn't want to go. I will diffuse and coax to a certain point, but then there is no arguing. I will be as firm as I need to be. It's hard even in those situations to keep your cool, outwardly at least. But the more worked up I am in dealing with him, the more anxious he gets. And the more he resists. And the bigger tantrum he throws. And the less chance I have of getting him to cooperate. Even if I'm forcefully holding him in the carseat to get him buckled in, with him screaming and hitting and scratching, I have to CALMLY tell him it's time to leave, and buckle him in without yelling and being more forceful than necessary.
Other people see the way I deal with him when we're not at home and assume that's how I always "discipline." This is so not the case! I do try to diffuse at home. But I insist on more straight obedience here. When we're out and about, I take into consideration that he's likely overstimulated, and am not as firm with him. Because I know in that state of mind, I will get more cooperation being as gentle as possible. And yep, I even compromise or give in more when we're not home. Why? Same reason - I will get more cooperation in the long run.
Do I think diffusing more, compromising more, or outright giving in more undermines what I do at home? Undermines his respect for me as the parent? Undermines his respect for authority? Makes him think he can behave worse in public and get away with it? I think not! If you had your child at a grocery store and s/he started running a fever and got whiny, would you be more tolerant as you rushed to the checkout than you would be with a healthy child? Or would you say that the reason doesn't matter and discipline the child for their behavior?
It's the same with something wrong mentally. You have to make allowances for when that "symptom" appears.
Yeah... Sometimes he's acting up just because he's a kid. But if I even suspect one of the four conditions are in effect, I WILL adjust my parenting/discipline style accordingly.
And please, please, PLEASE! Think twice before you judge the way others parent. You don't know what may be going on with that child physically, emotionally, or mentally that's influencing their behavior or their parent's reaction. ALWAYS err on the side of grace!!!
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