Still Here...

To say life the past month has been crazy would be more than mildly understating things...

There have been things that have happened that I wanted to blog about but finding the time to type them up on my phone is not easy! Let's see if I can give a few quick updates:

1. Ethan's occupational therapist is THRILLED with his progress so far! His motor skills are definitely getting better :) And he loves his therapist! So do I ;)

2. He started speech therapy a few weeks ago. His speech therapist gets the biggest kick out of his obsession with cooking and knowledge of cooking/food terminology LOL

3. The OT is concerned that he may have some vision issues. It may just be weak muscles in his eyes, but it may be more. She scheduled an assessment with a pediatric developmental optometrist in January.

4. Several friends and family members have mentioned how much better Ethan's behavior is :) I think there are multiple reasons for this, but our move to grace-based discipline has definitely played a huge part! (That's a long blog post in itself!)

(Fussy kiddo, To Be Continued...)

30 Days - Day 29

Today I am thankful that we have access to free therapy services for Ethan. His OT is helping so much and there is no way we would be able to afford it...

30 Days - Day 28

I am thankful that my car and everything in it were okay. Don't ask :p

30 Days - Day 27

Today I am thankful for lots of sleep and a quiet day! After a busy week, we needed both!

30 Days - Day 26

I am thankful for a great Thanksgiving Part 2 spent with my family and neighbor. Every year I cook a big dinner the Saturday after Thanksgiving and invite my family and friends. We have friends whose families are not in this area and they don't get to go home for Thanksgiving. So our dinner is their Thanksgiving.

This year I was disappointed because the friend who comes every year had car trouble and couldn't make it :( My brother's family also didn't come. So as far as I knew it was going to be just the 4 of us and my mom. I was kinda upset about it because it means so much to me to be able to have friends here who wouldn't otherwise have a Thanksgiving dinner. But when the food was almost done, I felt peaceful and thankful, despite it just being the five of us.

And then, we had a knock on the door. It was our neighbor. I had invited her numerous times but she hadn't said she was coming. She lives with her 2 adult sons and we see her outside a fair bit and have talked a lot. But we've only known her 6 months. And I didn't know how comfortable she would feel joining us.

As we all ate and hung out talking, I found out that her family had disowned her because she wouldn't take sides in a family quarrel. Her sons are the only family she has. And she's been out of work so money is tight.

She was SOOO appreciative of us sharing our Thanksgiving dinner with her! She enjoyed the company, and of course the food ;) She hugged me twice when she left and told me what a blessing I am.

So after all was said and done, I was able to bless a friend with her only Thanksgiving dinner anyway :) And that just made my Thanksgiving complete!

30 Days - Day 25

Today I am thankful for the opportunity to make my traditional Thanksgiving meal for Saturday. Even though it's a lot of work, it's worth it! Hoping to share the meal with a number of family and friends...

ETA I'm really thankful for an oven that is full-size and works well! This is the first Thanksgiving in 10 years that I've had one :)

30 Days - Day 24

Very thankful for the time spent with "family"! Y'all are awesome :D

30 Days - Day 23

Today I am thankful that I found the rest of the missing kitchen items from the move! Everything that I've noticed I didn't have was in two boxes that were buried at the bottom of a stack. WOOHOO! Great timing too since my electric knife that I use to carve the turkey was one of the found items :)

30 Days - Day 22

I am thankful for a day of semi-rest before the Thanksgiving prep and craziness kicks in!

30 Days - Day 21

Tonight I am thankful that I have been set free from guilt and condemnation! Days like today make me REALLY appreciate the magnitude of that promise...

"I'm Gonna Cry, Puke, or Both"

Those were the words that came out of my mouth as I walked into the computer room tonight where Jesse was working.

It was a rough afternoon/evening with Ethan. He got progressively more, well, it's hard to put words to. He intentionally kept trying to make his brother upset (and delighted in it). He wouldn't listen to Jesse or me (especially Jesse). He was rambunctious. He had a total disregard for everyone but himself. Things came to a head and Jesse had to restrain him to finally get him to calm down :( I brushed him and got him to finish eating his supper.

After that he was better for a while, then things started going downhill again. It was about time to start getting ready for bed so I started my bedtime routine. Ethan decided he was still hungry. He usually has some yogurt before bed and asked for some. Of course, Gabriel wanted some too. That meant I had to stop and feed him before I finished doing what I needed to. Ethan was headed back in the wrong direction behavior-wise, I was exhausted, and Gabriel was stressed out and fussy. The last thing I wanted was to take the time to feed Gabriel his yogurt! The sooner I finished getting the boys and me ready for bed, the sooner we could get to bed. The sooner we could get to bed, the sooner the boys would calm down and go to sleep. The sooner the boys got to sleep, the sooner I could start winding down and go to sleep.

By this time I had had it. Emotionally it had been a rough one. I had yelled at Ethan a few times (very unusual for me) but he was ignoring me unless I was yelling. I had told him at one point "Stop torturing your brother!" because that's what he was intentionally doing :(

I was emotionally exhausted. The boys and I needed to get to bed ASAP. I walked into the computer room and said, "I'm gonna cry, puke, or both."

Jesse got up from the computer, hugged me, and asked what he could do. He knew I was totally stressed out. We talked for a minute and he offered to feed Gabriel. He wanted to do whatever would get us to bed fastest. So Jesse fed Gabriel, I finished getting everything ready for bed, and we were in bed shortly. I wish I could say the boys went right to sleep but they didn't. Ethan went to sleep fairly quickly but Gabriel was too keyed up and it took him a while.

And in the meantime, the mommy guilt started.

Guilt for yelling.

Guilt for not thinking to brush Ethan when he started acting up.

Guilt for Gabriel having to be on the receiving end of Ethan's mean treatment.

Guilt for Jesse having to restrain Ethan.

Guilt for interrupting Jesse's work to have him feed Gabriel.

Guilt for getting so stressed out that I was nauseous.

Ugh.

Mommy guilt is a horrible thing! But I have to remind myself of Romans 8:1 - "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

Tonight, I'm standing on that promise... And knowing that tomorrow is another day.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Hopefully today was enough trouble for tomorrow too ;)

30 Days - Day 20

Today I am thankful that we were able to participate in Operation Christmas Child :) I pray that the children who receive our shoeboxes will be blessed and will come to know the love of our Savior...

30 Days - Day 19

I am thankful for special moments with the boys. Like last night... Gabriel was supposed to be sleeping but was wide awake. He usually goes to sleep right away so it was unusual for him. He was being a jabberjaw and was so cute! At one point he said, "I gonna sing." And he started singing LOL

Sundays are such early mornings and I really needed the sleep but those special times are too precious to complain about being tired :)

30 Days - Day 18

I am thankful for the knowledge our Creator has given us! I am thinking especially of the understanding of psychological issues. A generation ago, we would not have been able to find out that Ethan has SPD. Not because it didn't exist, but because there was no name for it. Today, not only does it have a name, but there are resources to help us help him live a better life :)

30 Days - Day 17

I am thankful that I found my old recipes in the storage unit (from before I started food combining) and my mom's apple cake recipe!

And a bonus... When Gabriel was born we didn't have the camera or camcorder :( Last night I found the single use camera from the gift shop that has those first pictures on it!

30 Days - Day 16

Today I am thankful for 2 successful pregnancies! Even though their births were nothing like I wanted, I have 2 healthy, sweet boys :) After 2+ years of not being able to conceive, I feel especially blessed to have not just one but TWO little miracles!

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3

30 Days - Day 15

I am thankful that my mom lives nearby :) Sometimes it's not convenient for me that I'm her only transportation, but I wouldn't trade that for her living anywhere else <3

30 Days - Day 14

Today I am thankful that I am healthy enough to clean house and work out! And for a husband who takes care of the boys once a week so I can work out with some other ladies at church :) And that someone loaned us their laptop when they heard our computer wasn't working (Jesse works from home and 100% of our income depends on having a working computer!)! And... :D

30 Days - Day 13

Today I am thankful for kids who have been going to sleep quickly without fighting bedtime :)

30 Days - Day 12

I am thankful for being able to eat "real" food again!

30 Days - Day 11

Today I am thankful that my 2-day liver/gallbladder flush is done except for my body doing its thing... And that tomorrow I can have "real" food!

30 Days - Day 10

Today I am thankful for fresh, organic produce :)

30 Days - Day 9

Today I am thankful for cooler weather! Especially since my car's AC is out :p

30 Days - Day 8

I am thankful that Jesse and I are pretty much on the same page with how we discipline the boys! God has worked in both of us to bring about a paradigm shift in our parenting. I'm also thankful for rare late-night talks after the boys are asleep :)

30 Days - Day 7

Today I am thankful for spontaneous hugs and kisses from my sweet boys :)

30 Days - Day 6

I am thankful that today is almost over :p And for Lamentations 3:22-23 :)

30 Days - Day 5

I am thankful that Jesse got to see an amazing football game and have some time to himself! And for the dishes he did before and after the game [in addition to all the ones I did - we were waaay behind ;)]

30 Days - Day 4

Today I am thankful that I was able to get all the groceries we needed, and something Jesse needed too :)

30 Days - Day 3

I am thankful that when Gabriel fell and busted his eye, he didn't do any damage worse than getting a shiner!

30 Days - Day 2

Today I am thankful for quiet days and (mostly) well-behaved kids :)

30 Days - Day 1

Today I am thankful for...

I had a rough late afternoon/evening :( I was really upset and wasn't myself. But my two wonderful, caring, affectionate boys stayed on the couch cuddling me :) They weren't there constantly, but I had at least one of them on me or next to me till bedtime. It definitely was not normal for them! Usually they'll come for a few minutes and then go play.

So today I'm thankful for kiddos who are observant enough to tell when I'm upset, and caring enough to try to help :)

A Month for Being Thankful

I saw this idea today and though I've seen it before, I really feel it would be good for me to do...

For those of us in the USA, Thanksgiving is this month! To celebrate, I'll post one thing each day that I'm thankful for. I hope it will encourage me to have an attitude of gratitude and look for the positive every day!

Chuck E Cheese

Or, What We Won't Be Doing Again for a LOOONG Time...

Jesse's parents have us and his siblings' families over about once a month. Usually his mom cooks supper for all of us at their house. This time they invited all of us to Chuck E Cheese instead. They treated - pizza for everyone and lots of tokens for the kids. After we ate, Jesse and his dad took Ethan to play games for tickets and I brought Gabriel to the toddler area.

Ethan started getting overwhelmed after a while and decided to stay in the toddler area with Gabriel. Jesse and I took turns earning tickets playing SkeeBall etc for the boys to get prizes. At one point we brought the boys with us so Ethan could play SkeeBall. It didn't work out so good :( He couldn't get the ball up the ramp. Most of the time it ended up bouncing around and in the (thankfully empty) game next to us. Jesse and I ended up chasing balls all over the floor while holding Gabriel. Ethan was so frustrated :(

By the time we left, both boys were getting tired and fussy. But they did good while we got a couple things from Walmart and went home.

The next day, Ethan was bouncing off the walls! He was running around, in everyone's faces, being mean to Gabriel. KEYED. UP. TO. THE. MAX! He acts like that after he's been overstimulated but this was the worst it's ever been.

Every day since then has been a little better. But today is the first day he's back to being himself.

The CEC visit was nine days ago...

It's been a looong nine days...

I am EXTREMELY happy and relieved to have my Ethan back!!!

Ethan's Occupational Therapy Evaluation

So this was the one I was waiting for... It's taken me a couple days to mentally and emotionally process the appointment itself and the results.

I really liked the therapist! She seemed so young but she was patient, took a lot of time with him, etc. And she smiled a lot :) I told her up front that he has anxiety issues and she asked if he was easily frustrated. She seemed to keep these in mind the whole time and at one point told me that she was trying to keep his frustration and anxiety to a minimum.

She started by asking me some questions about my concerns and some sensory issue oriented questions. Based on what I told her, she gave me a 125 item questionnaire to fill out while she tested his motor skills. The questionnaire dealt with sensory experiences. More about it later... She had Ethan write, draw, use scissors, and stack blocks. She also did a series of tests having to do with spatial perception and vision.

A few hours later she called me with the results. 50th percentile is considered average. 51st and above is considered above average. 49th and below is considered below average. She said they offer services if they score under 37th. On the motor skills/perception tests, he scored 32nd on one subtest, and 16th on the other. On one section he scored off the chart though! That was probably what brought his score up to 32nd. So his overall motor skills score was way below average.

Then there was the questionnaire... I tried really hard to be as accurate as I could. Each item had 5 choices ranging from always to never. It covered the whole sensory spectrum - hearing, vision, touch, movement, taste, texture, etc. I answered each item with a good deal of thought.

After she gave me the results of the motor skills tests, we discussed the sensory questionnaire. She explained how it was scored and that there were 3 possible categories for his score to fall into - normal, borderline, and (basically) so extreme as to interfere with normal daily functioning. Ethan fell "well within" the extreme category... She said it wasn't even close. She wasn't surprised because she had witnessed some of his sensory issues while she was doing the motor skills tests. There are 2 extremes with sensory issues. One is sensory-seeking, the other is sensory-avoiding. Ethan is in the sensory-avoiding extreme. What it amounts to is that he's easily overstimulated. We already knew that, but didn't know if he was out of the range of normal.

So now we're waiting on the paperwork to all go through. It will take about 3 weeks but the therapist already put him on the calendar for a regular weekly appointment starting in 3 weeks. The first appointment she'll be explaining the treatment plan and what she has laid out for us to do at home with him.

I have mixed feelings about how things went... First, I'm very happy he was tested and that he'll be getting help! I'm also relieved to know he does have sensory processing issues since Jesse and I have seen his hypersensitivity since he was born.

I'm okay with the motor delays. He was on the late end of normal with most of his physical milestones as a baby so I'm not surprised. I know he may always be slightly delayed.

I'm having a harder time dealing with the sensory issues... Jesse and I talked about it last night and I realized in talking with him that the questionnaire is a lot of what's bothering me. It's one thing to notice his reactions to stimuli throughout the day as they happen. It's another to sit down and answer questions about each of those behaviors, dwelling on them as you go, having them pile one on top of the other. It was quite overwhelming... And having a professional tell you that your child has issues that are severe enough that they interfere with him being able to function normally... It's a lot for a parent to come to terms with :(

I honestly couldn't write this post before today. Last night talking through things with Jesse and having a good cry over it really helped. I feel better about everything now.

Overall, I'm excited about the direction things are taking with Ethan :) His behavior has already improved with the PCIT, and we expect it to get better as he's taught to cope with his sensory issues. We're also looking at his behaviors a bit differently now and paying more attention to whether he could be acting out because of being overstimulated.

Jesse and I also reminded ourselves last night that God gave us this child to parent, with all of his challenges. And that He will continue to lead us in the direction that will give Ethan the help he needs, and grow us as parents...

Ethan's Speech Evaluation

Ethan's speech eval was this morning. The therapist said she didn't see any severe issues but that there are definitely things she can work on with him. She said that it would take a few visits to see the smaller problems really come out. He definitely had problems during the eval with some of the expressive language - he had some trouble saying what he was trying to.

He will start going once a week but it will be a couple of months before he starts. The therapist is 8 months pregnant and doesn't want to start any new clients until after her maternity leave. She'll call when she's back in the office to get him on the schedule.

The most awesome moment of the eval? Therapist, pointing to a picture of a girl sitting at a table with some apples - "The girl is hungry. What is she going to do?" Ethan - "She's gonna pray!" (before she eats)
Loved it :)

Update on Ethan

The assessments finished in April but we had to move on short notice shortly after (our apt complex was sold) so things have been pretty crazy...

The early childhood mental health unit did a full set of assessments. They even did the autism spectrum assessment (ADOS) because of some concerns they had. The ADOS came back within normal levels. His communication subscore was pretty high though (the lower, the better). They want to redo the ADOS next year to make sure it comes down.

The rest of the assessments didn't show anything "pathological." It did find abnormalities but nothing serious. There are three things they recommended:

1. Occupational therapy - fine motor and sensory issues
2. Speech therapy - articulation (and possibly processing) issues
3. PCIT http://www.pcit.org

We started the PCIT already and have already seen some improvement! His speech screening was today (more about that in another post) and the OT eval is next week.

PCIT is based on attachment theory (which is the basis for AP) and social learning theory. It's also the only form of therapy for children that has consistent scientifically proven results for a variety of behavior issues. I love that it fits so well with how we've parented him since birth :)

Just Some Background

I want to share a bit about my life thus far. Where I came from, where I am now. Not a commentary, just a chronicle of the events that led me to this place in my life.

1975 - the year I was born.

1980 - started kindergarten at a small private school. Was quickly moved into first grade, mostly because I was reading at such a high level (don't remember what grade equivalency but it was way beyond first).

1987 - switched to a small Christian school. So much better in so many ways!

Junior year (fall?) - was chosen to take PSAT with hopes of gaining a National Merit scholarship. I didn't qualify but scored really well and was recruited by 100+ colleges/universities nationwide.

Senior year - placed first in state in Literary Rally for sociology.

May 1992 - graduated high school with 3rd highest GPA out of approximately 70 classmates.

August 1992 - moved 6 1/2 hours away to attend college at a small Christian college on a partial scholarship. Double major - early childhood education, psychology. I was 17...

Summer 1993 - dropped psych major. I didn't get along with the head of the department and he taught almost all of the classes.

1993-1994 school year - learned of a combination psych/sociology degree at a nearby university. Contemplated changing my career path to become an elementary school counselor.

Fall 1994 - transferred schools to pursue a major in Social Psychology with the intention of being an elementary school counselor.

January 1995 - major family drama that made it impossible for me to continue going to school out of state. Yes, I'm drastically sugar-coating what happened but it wasn't at all pretty...

January 1995 - moved in with a couple friends, worked full-time.

August 1995 - moved to continue education at a state university. Worked part-time while attending school.

October 1995 - met my husband Jesse.

December 1995 - made the decision to take some time off school with the intention of returning at a later time. Started working full-time.

October 1996 - married Jesse.

January 1997 - quit job to concentrate on home study course for child care management.

The dates after this are sketchy. I worked in day care as an assistant and later a teacher.

Fall 1999? - returned to school full-time.

May 2002 - graduated with a bachelor's degree in Behavioral Sciences (included classes in psych, sociology, and political science).

September 2002 - started working for public school system in a Title I school full-time as a kindergarten tutor.

Fall 2004 - switched to part-time with the intention of resigning at the end of the school year.

Fall 2004 - started trying to get pregnant.

Spring 2005 - resigned from tutoring job.

November 2006 - finally pregnant...

July 2007 - Ethan born.

February 2009 - started trying for baby #2.

March 2009 - pregnant!

December 2009 - Gabriel born.

January 2010 - health issues. Started what is currently my main blog - http://cmlhealth.blogspot.com

Currently:
Christian family
Stay-at-home-wife/-mom
No plans to reenter the work force
Attachment parenting family
Future homeschooling family
Active in church
Trying to make healthy choices for myself and my family
Have a child with mental/emotional issues (Ethan) who is doing therapy at a local state-run mental health clinic

There's so much more I could include of my past but for some reason, this is what seemed relevant tonight. Perhaps I'll share more at
another time...

Always a Rough Day

July 18th is always a day filled with memories... In some ways, it's more emotional than July 19th.

On July 18, 2007 I was reminded that things do not always go according to plan. After trying for over two years to get pregnant, God had nudged me in the right direction to find out why we weren't having success and our long-awaited, long-hoped-for, much anticipated baby was FINALLY on the way! Jesse and I saved up the money to attend Bradley classes and we did our homework faithfully. We were determined that I was going to get that natural birth I wanted! I read pregnancy books, breastfeeding books, books about natural parenting. I researched every baby product we ended up putting on our registry.

And then came that fateful day... I was just shy of 39 weeks. For a few weeks my blood pressure had been climbing. I had no signs of pre-eclampsia and the NST's showed no cause for concern. But I had a gut feeling something wasn't right. It wasn't jitters about the upcoming birth. Mother's intuition I guess. I kept feeling Ethan move inside my womb. I knew he was fine. My OB was concerned that I was still carrying him so high so he had scheduled an ultrasound to check something in my pelvic structure. He assured me that he would let me labor no matter what my pelvic bones looked like as long as Ethan and I were both tolerating labor. Despite all his reassurances (and I TOTALLY believed what he told me - I knew he was one of the best when it came to natural, med-free births, and a Christian!), I was dreading that ultrasound. I didn't know why. D-R-E-A-D-I-N-G it.

My appointment was scheduled for right after lunch. My OB was tied up in a meeting but the ultrasound tech knew what he needed to check. So he started. I was so nervous. I had had other ultrasounds but had never been scared before this one. He did some things I didn't expect. Like give my stomach a hard jar. He did warn me first though. He asked the nurse if Dr. H was back yet. He calmly said he needed to see him as soon as he came back in. By this point, I knew something was wrong. I tried to stay calm and reassured myself by watching Ethan's heart waves on the ultrasound monitor. They stayed strong and steady...

When Dr. H got there, the tech quietly gave him some measurements as he moved the ultrasound paddle around my stomach. Dr. H moved me to another room to talk to me while the tech set up for the next appointment. I knew it wasn't good news...

Dr. H buried his head in his hands. He told me that most women would be thrilled by what he was about to say. But he knew I wouldn't. The ultrasound showed my amniotic fluid was very low. Dangerously so. But that wasn't his only concern. Unexplained blood pressure rise + low amniotic fluid = likely placental failure in progresss. One way or another, Ethan was coming. Soon.

He checked me and I was less than a fingertip dilated, thick, and high. An induction was not going to work. He sent me to the hospital for a NST. He said that if Ethan showed the least bit of stress, they would immediately get me ready for a c-section. If he seemed to be okay, it would be scheduled for the next morning.

All our hopes for a calm, natural birth were gone. Replaced with lots of prayer for God to keep Ethan safe as long as he was in there. I didn't really question the need for the c-section. I had known for weeks something was wrong. I was thankful to finally know what it was.

For four years now I've relived that day. Especially on the anniversary of the day it happened - July 18.

Going back to that day... Ethan passed the NST so we spent the day preparing mentally, physically, and spiritually for what was coming. I only got a few hours sleep. I was too upset to sleep. Too worried.

Ethan was born the next morning. I'll spare you the details of the epidural etc. When Dr. H cut me open, the little bit of amniotic fluid that had been there less than 24 hours before was gone... But he weighed in at 6 lbs 2 oz and had no immediate problems.

The next few weeks were tough - I had a reaction to the epidural, Ethan was diagnosed failure-to-thrive, I wasn't able to breastfeed (not for lack of trying), he was fussy all the time, etc.

But more than the weeks after, and even more than the day of his birth, July 18 is the day that is so emotional. The day I remember so vividly. The day I found out nothing was going to go according to plan with his birth.

This is the first year I haven't gone hour by hour thinking about what I was doing that fateful day at that time. Probably because I was dealing with a lot today - all four of us are sick, Ethan had a really bad day, etc. Maybe that's a good thing.

It's getting easier with time. But it still makes me cry when I relive the details. I still haven't fully come to terms with it...

I Just Have to Say It...

We're still in the midst of moving but I Just have to say this...

When it's vitally important to you to "sleep train" your babies from a young age, eg CIO (Cry It Out), don't act so surprised when they're extremely attached to a security object as a toddler. Pacifier, blanket, stuffed animal, whatever it is.

I'd much rather my child be attached to ME versus some lifeless object. Not that attached kids don't have security objects, but they're not the child's primary source of comfort and security.

I could say lots more about this subject. Gonna stop now before I get myself worked up about it...

Where Am I?

For those of you who don't know me IRL, we are having to move on very short notice :( It's been nine years and two kids since our last move so things are really stressful and chaotic right now! After we're settled in at the new place I'll get back on here. And maybe an update or two in the meantime.

Take care!

Beanbags!

I did my first couple beanbags today! The second came out better than the first but the boys are enjoying both of them :D

I decided to do the paw print fleece first. I didn't have to stitch it inside out, and I had the thread to match. Plus it was high contrast, and Ethan liked it a lot :)

I started by cutting squares roughly 5 1/2 by 5 1/2 inches. I wanted the finished size to be about 5x5. The squares weren't even. When I go to Walmart, I'll pick up a pack of chalk to draw the cutting lines for the my next ones. Here's the second one pinned.



Next I stitched the 2 squares together. The rest of the pictures are of the first one I did. Since I forgot to take a picture of the first one pinned, I had to use the second.



Here's what I used to fill them. It says do not use for children's crafts but my mom, who has been crafting forever, said that was for legal reasons only ;) I decided on this filling because it was at Walmart where I was shopping, it wasn't very expensive ($5 for a 2# bag), and it's washable!



I left an unstitched hole big enough to fit a large funnel. That's how I filled them. I ended up using about 4 oz of the filling. I could have used a little less in the first, but it ended up perfect for the second (it was cut a tad bigger).



After I filled it, I stitched up the hole I had left. Here it is stitched and stuffed.



The other side.



And here is the finished product! The stitches aren't exactly straight, and I had trouble trimming the fabric even, but know what? I'm happy with the size, the boys are having fun with them, and I'm excited to have made a toy for them myself!!!



Here's Gabriel getting ready to throw it, again :) He kept throwing it and saying, "Ball!"



Here are all the fabrics I got to make beanbags out of. Each piece is 1/4 yard. I should be able to make 8 beanbags from each. Maybe more. The paw print and ducks are fleece. The next two animal prints are flannel. The light blue is minky.



I'll post pics of the finished product as I make more of them! Eventually... ;)

A (Gasp!) Evening to Myself :)

I had been fighting some depression last week. That-time-of-the-month wasn't helping matters any, but it was more than just that. I'm with the boys 24/7 except for church. Ethan will sometimes sleep other than with me for an hour or so, but Gabriel still won't. So I go to bed when they do, and read and/or surf in bed to wind down after they fall asleep. Yep, I am LITERALLY with them 24/7!

Friday evening Jesse unexpectedly told me he would watch the kids so I could get out of the house for a few hours! BY MYSELF!

First stop - Jesse wanted me to get burgers for him and the boys. Then I had my choice of where to eat supper! But where to go?! I finally settled on the Mexican place we had eaten at for the last Mom's Night Out. It was fairly quick, not crowded, and yummy :) I ate a chimichanga filled with shrimp and grilled veggies, Mexican rice, and refried beans - all of it with white queso. YUM!

From there I went to the mall. My phone was getting old and had been acting up so I went to go play with the phone I was looking at replacing it with.

Next to B&N! I passed up the Godiva double chocolate cheesecake at Starbucks and decided to get something at a (better) coffeehouse later. I replaced the boys' Hop on Pop board book that we can't find and Ethan has been wanting to "read." Then I sat with my nook and decided to take advantage of the Read In Store option on it. I had 1 hour to read any book available on my nook. A while back I downloaded the sample of "Raising Your Spirited Child" and was anxious to read more of it! So that's what I did for a while. I was able to browse more of the how-to's and saw that the rest of the book was better than what I had read so far! I ended up buying it LOL

I left before my hour was up and headed to the coffeehouse. It's only about a mile from my house so it was the perfect place to wind down! I figured that even though it's near the university and usually crowded, it would be quieter on Friday night. I was right :) I sipped a decaf chocolate iced coffee and read more of Jane Eyre. Some light jazz was playing in the background, and the later it got, the more deserted it was. By 11pm there was only one other customer in there. Other people came in and got coffee to go, but not too many. I didn't leave for home till 11:45 - 15 minutes before they closed.

It was so nice to get out by myself for a while! It did so much to recharge my batteries :) I hadn't been sleeping good, but I have since then. And my patience and tolerance with the boys has been better.

This introverted Momma REALLY needed that me time!!!

Feeling Crafty

Monday I picked up some fabric. I wanted a project that would be easy, not take up much room to do, and cheap. I also wanted it to be for the boys. So I ended up with 5 different fabrics to make beanbags! I got 2 flannels, 2 fleece, and a minky. Gabriel LOVES soft textures right now, so I chose accordingly! Once they're cut out, I can sit in the living room and sew them up (by hand - I don't have a machine) while the boys play. I ended up picking up a bag of the washable stuffing beads at Walmart today. It was $5 for a 2# bag. If I pick up one a week till I have enough, it won't be a hit on the budget, and I won't be making them faster than that anyway! I'll try to get a pic of the fabrics and upload it.

I love to cross stitch! I love to be creative! But since Ethan was born I just haven't been able to do much :( And I really miss it! I get creative in the kitchen but that just isn't the same... While I was pregnant with Gabriel I handmade Ethan a pillowcase for a travel-sized pillow. That's the only thing I've done in a loooong time. Other than bringing my cross stitch to Mom's Night Out sometimes and working for about an hour there.

Really looking forward to working on something for the boys :D

Delay (Ethan's Assessments)

Our social worker was out sick last week, so we're rescheduled for next week! They'll be doing the interaction eval with Jesse and Ethan. Gonna be interesting...

Our New Feathered Friend

About 6 months ago we lost one of our budgies (parakeets). We still don't know what happened to her. She went from fine to gone in 24 hours :( She was our only bird in the living room (the rest of the flock is in the bedroom). We all really enjoyed her being in there! She was great company during the day. After we lost her, I missed her presence. Ethan would walk up to the cage every so often and just look longingly at its empty contents.

We wanted another bird for in there. But we didn't know what kind. It had to be:
1. Quiet - that's the only room with a tv and we didn't want to have to turn it up to hear over the bird's vocalizations
2. Okay with being away from the other birds
3. Laid back/not easily scared - after all, we have 2 young boys playing and making noise in there all day!
4. Inexpensive

Saturday we had the opportunity to see a lot of birds all together. We didn't go in planning to get one, but we walked out with this beauty!


She's a Rosy Bourke. She's not tame but she's definitely not scared of us! She even will eat with the boys playing only inches away from her food dish :) Some of her species are handfed, but she was parent-raised. I think we'll be able to tame her eventually though! If not, and till then, we're happy she's not skittish with the boys!

It's so nice having a bird in there again! Ethan talks to her often in the sweetest voice! Gabriel went up to her yesterday and said Hiiiii!!! She chirps back when we talk to her and is just a friendly little sweetheart!

BTW, we don't know if she's a she or a he LOL You can't visually sex them. So since we don't know, I just couldn't call a pink bird a he if we weren't sure ;)

As for her name... Our bird names have always had themes. She belongs with the Jim Henson characters - Mokey was one of the main characters on Fraggle Rock, one of my favorite tv shows of all time!

VALIDATION

That's the main thing I feel where Ethan is concerned. Validation that his issues aren't all in my head. Validation that there IS something going on. Validation that in addition to friends and family members seeing it, mental health professionals see it. Validation that his anxiety is bad enough that a pediatric psychiatrist thinks he's borderline having a clinical anxiety disorder and wanted him formerly tested for it. Validation that we did the right thing getting help. Validation that the people who told us he just needs more and better discipline and the problems would stop are wrong. Validation that we're not bad parents because of the way he acts. And it was nice to get validation from the social worker after one of the assessments that I am doing a lot right :)


If you've never been in a similar situation, it's difficult to understand what it's like on a daily basis. The validation I feel gives me more confidence in parenting him. And in the direction we're headed...

Anxiety Assessment

We got a call from the mental health unit Wednesday. The psychologist (who only comes once a month) was there that day and someone had cancelled their assessment that was scheduled for that afternoon. Would we like to take the spot and do Ethan's anxiety assessment? Uh, let me think about it, YES!

I wasn't in there while they did it but it lasted almost an hour. The psychologist told me that Ethan did very well and that he was adorable :) She said she's had a lot of assessments lately and is behind on doing the reports for them. She'll be back in 2 weeks, then 4 weeks after that. She said there's no way she'll have the results ready in 2 weeks, but unless something major happens she'll have them in 6. So by mid-May we should have them.

In the meantime, we have at least 2-3 weeks' worth of regular assessments left. And there are things his social worker can be starting with him and us while we're waiting on the anxiety assessment results.

I saw the program director while I was there Thursday. She said it's only taken us a little over a month to get as far as it takes most people at least 3-4 months to get. We've been able to take advantage of 2 cancellations opening a spot for us to see the people we needed to. I totally see God's hand in all of this! And Wednesday we were having car trouble that was resolved a few minutes after they called me about filling in for that appointment... Wow...

We Have a Toddler!

The day he turned 15 months, Gabriel took a few shuffle-steps. A couple days later Jesse counted as he took 11 steps! Then a couple days ago I walked out of the kitchen to find this...

He had climbed onto his brother's chair and then up to the table! And then started turning the hall light on and off :p He toppled the basket on the left side of the picture, then was apparently reaching for something else just out of his reach when he fell. I think he was more frustrated than hurt LOL I found him up there again today, and again he toppled the basket then fell. He's also climbed on top of toys to get on the futon and couch.

He's still really wobbly and bow-legged when he walks, but I know that will get better with time. Need to get some video of it before he learns the right way ;)

So... I have a toddler and a climber, all in a couple weeks' time!

Update on Ethan's Testing

Last Thursday before I did the interview, we got a call that the doctor had a cancellation and we were offered that appointment with her. We were with the doctor for 2 1/2 hours! She was so nice! Very attentive, seemed knowledgeable, etc. She asked a LOT of questions, watched Ethan play by himself, took him for a short walk by herself, played with him without me in there, and watched he and I play together by ourselves. At the end she told me that she didn't see anything pathological. She said he had an anxious temperament and that there were definitely issues they could work with us on :) I trusted the doctor's judgement, but a part of me still felt like there was something more going on. I just didn't feel at peace about it. But I didn't say anything to anyone. Except in prayer of course ;)

Today (exactly a week later), the doctor called and told me that after she met with us, she started questioning her "diagnosis." She said she felt he was borderline and ended up talking to the psychologist that comes once a month about his case. What came out of that is that the psychologist will be doing a formal anxiety assessment with him! The doctor said the office would be calling me to schedule it but that she wanted to talk to me personally about it first.

I didn't want to blog about how things were going before now because I didn't want to make myself worse by putting it down on paper ;) But after what happened today, I feel a lot better about the direction we're headed! And no matter what shows on the anxiety assessment, it will help his treatment team fine-tune their plan :)

First Assessment DONE!!!

Well, part 1 is done :)

Approximately 45 minutes worth of Ethan and I by ourselves doing puzzles, playing with toys, and then the last part... I had to leave the room for 3 minutes so they could see his level of separation anxiety. The last part went fairly well except it ended up being longer than 3 minutes because he decided to lock the door and the social worker had to go track down the key :p Locking doors is a new, fun skill at home (NOT fun for us!) and he decided to demonstrate it for them too LOL The social worker said she got "lots of good information" from our interactions. I guess that's a good thing!

It was a bit unnerving knowing that my every action and word was being videotaped and will be watched, analyzed, and picked apart by multiple people... But I tried to act as naturally as I could. And they got a decent tantrum on the tape ;)

This week will be the interview with me. The next week Jesse will do the interaction eval I did with him, then the next week will be his interview. After that we may have a couple weeks of therapy before we get to meet with the doctor and do a formal treatment plan.

But we are now officially in the system :D

A :-) and a :-( from Ethan

The boys and I ate lunch out with my mom today. After a while, Gabriel got fussy in his high chair. Ethan said, "Mommy, let's pray." I asked what we were going to pray for. He said, "Pray, Gabriel's sad." Warmed my heart :-)

We had a rough situation with the car this morning. Ethan was in the midst of it but was so good! He stayed mostly calm through a stressful situation. When we finally left, Jesse asked me to get him a reward for handling things so well. There's a book I've been wanting to get him so I bought it as his reward. I gave it to him in the store but he wasn't nearly as excited as I thought he would be. After we got home, I reminded him about his new book - something that's usually an exciting thing. Instead he calmly explained that he didn't want his book because he would "put it behind the couch." :-( It's his current OCD manifestation. When he shoves a paper or thin book down the small space where the top of the back of the couch doesn't quite meet the wall, they may as well be in a black hole. We can't get them back out short of moving at least two pieces of furniture.

He recognized tonight that if he had the book in his hands, he would drop it into the abyss. It's like when he wouldn't hold his sippy or Puppy in the car because he knew he would throw them down.

It broke my heart... He said it so calmly, so matter-of-fact.

And so his reward, ended up being anything but... :-(

I'll put the book away for another time. One day he'll be able to enjoy it...

Getting Nervous...

So tomorrow's the big day. We were gone ALL day today. Like, 11 1/2 hours all day! The day started with a dead car battery, Mom had PT, and we had a ton of errands to run. I know neither Ethan nor I will be at our best tomorrow. Maybe that's for the best...

It will be so strange having 45 uninterrupted minutes alone with Ethan! That NEVER happens :( And knowing that every bit of that time will be watched live, video'ed, and rewatched countless times... It's a bit unnerving!

I'm trying not to feel like I'll be being judged but that is how I feel. And to a certain extent, it's what will happen. They'll be looking at how Ethan and I relate to each other.

Next week it will be Jesse's turn.

But tomorrow it's MY turn. Praying Ethan and I both can get some good sleep tonight and be at least somewhat rested for our big day...

What I Suspect...

After the assessment process is finished, here's what I think they may find:

Definite - anxiety, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)

Probable - ODD (oppositional defiant disorder)

Possible - social anxiety

Should find out in about a month...

When he gets frustrated lately, he hits himself and/or pulls his hair hard. Particularly when we have to fuss at him. Breaks my heart to see him purposely hurt himself :-(

WOOHOO!!!

Ethan's assessments start Friday! This means we are officially in :-D Friday will be Ethan and me. They'll be evaluating our interactions in a room of toys. Then next week will be Jesse's turn - same eval. We're so anxious to get this going! Especially the way the past few days have gone...

Public Parenting Vs Parenting in Private

Or more accurately, Parenting At Home Vs Parenting When Not At Home. And I'm speaking mainly of Ethan.

Some basic facts about Ethan:
1. He has anxiety issues
2. He is easily overstimulated
3. His anxiety is worse when he's around more than a few people or around people he's not very familiar with
4. He feeds off the emotions of others

Which all combines to make parenting outside of our home a challenge...

It's not that I parent 100% differently at home versus not at home. There are certain basics that stand regardless of place or circumstances. For example, hitting is absolutely not acceptable! With that said, the way I handle behavior issues is not always the same.

Away from home, I've noticed that Ethan usually acts up when:
1. He's anxious
2. He's overstimulated
3. He's around a lot of people or ones he's not very familiar with
4. Others around him are anxious or emotional
5. He's tired (which makes him more sensitive to 1-4)

When we're not at home, I tend to "baby him" more. I diffuse situations whenever possible, sometimes at the expense of forcing obedience. Why? Because it's what works. If I'm stricter with him, he bucks back. Sometimes, that's what has to happen because he HAS to obey. Like if we need to leave somewhere and he doesn't want to go. I will diffuse and coax to a certain point, but then there is no arguing. I will be as firm as I need to be. It's hard even in those situations to keep your cool, outwardly at least. But the more worked up I am in dealing with him, the more anxious he gets. And the more he resists. And the bigger tantrum he throws. And the less chance I have of getting him to cooperate. Even if I'm forcefully holding him in the carseat to get him buckled in, with him screaming and hitting and scratching, I have to CALMLY tell him it's time to leave, and buckle him in without yelling and being more forceful than necessary.

Other people see the way I deal with him when we're not at home and assume that's how I always "discipline." This is so not the case! I do try to diffuse at home. But I insist on more straight obedience here. When we're out and about, I take into consideration that he's likely overstimulated, and am not as firm with him. Because I know in that state of mind, I will get more cooperation being as gentle as possible. And yep, I even compromise or give in more when we're not home. Why? Same reason - I will get more cooperation in the long run.

Do I think diffusing more, compromising more, or outright giving in more undermines what I do at home? Undermines his respect for me as the parent? Undermines his respect for authority? Makes him think he can behave worse in public and get away with it? I think not! If you had your child at a grocery store and s/he started running a fever and got whiny, would you be more tolerant as you rushed to the checkout than you would be with a healthy child? Or would you say that the reason doesn't matter and discipline the child for their behavior?

It's the same with something wrong mentally. You have to make allowances for when that "symptom" appears.

Yeah... Sometimes he's acting up just because he's a kid. But if I even suspect one of the four conditions are in effect, I WILL adjust my parenting/discipline style accordingly.

And please, please, PLEASE! Think twice before you judge the way others parent. You don't know what may be going on with that child physically, emotionally, or mentally that's influencing their behavior or their parent's reaction. ALWAYS err on the side of grace!!!

Carving Out Bible Time

It's such a challenge! I get up with the boys. Gabriel usually catnaps, or he naps on me. Ethan rarely naps, and when he does, he's awake till midnight. I go to sleep with the boys. It's so hard to find quiet time to read my bible! It's not that I feel like I HAVE to. I WANT to! Why wouldn't I want to read my savior's love letter to me?!

So I made a decision this week. Quiet time just ain't happening! But if I can just read the bible - Not study. Not dwell on it. Just READ - at least it will be something!

Jesse bought me a nook in January as a late Christmas/early birthday/just because gift. It's so convenient for me to be able to have so many books at my fingertips! I can read it while the boys are playing (they're much less fussy if I'm in the room). I can read it while Gabriel is laying in my lap with a bottle or sleeping. I can read it in bed (with the reading light). The first thing I put on there when I got it was a bible.

Since then, I've stopped and started. Reading here and there. I wasn't happy with what I was doing but I didn't have a plan to follow. And I just felt like it wasn't working for me.

This week I bought a daily bible for my nook (a bible that has a plan to read it through in 365 days). It includes 52 devotional articles by Charles Stanley - one for each week of the year. The bible is in its usual format, but there is a list at the beginning with where the readings are for that day - one from the OT, one from Psalms, one from Proverbs, and one from the NT. And better yet, the readings work like a webpage. Each are links that I can click on. When I finished the OT reading for the first day (in Gen), there was a link at the end of the reading that brought me to the day's reading in Psalms. And so on. It's working out great! After I finish the day's reading, I go to the beginning of the next day's and bookmark it so it's ready for the next day. Then the next day I just pull up the bible and go to the bookmark for my first reading, then follow the links from there.

I sit in the recliner in the living room and read out loud. The boys play. Interrupt me. And even occasionally listen ;) If I'm reading out loud, I'm paying more attention to what I'm reading. And if the boys catch a bit here and there, all the better!

So it's not a traditional quiet time of reading and reflection. But I am getting the Word into my heart and my mind. And I'm looking forward to reading through the whole bible! I've read most of the OT and all of the NT, but never the whole thing. I timed it today and it took me less than 15 minutes to read the day's selections out loud. If I need to, I can break it up and bookmark where I am and pick it back up later in the day.

I'm actually excited that I have a method that looks like it will work for me and my needs :D

Ugh...

So many posts I want to write, but no computer time to do them! Trying to not get frustrated...

Free-Range Parenting

I've been seeing this book recommended by more and more blogs I follow so I bought and read it this weekend. Loving my nook ;) I agreed with most of what was said in the book but not everything. I think I'll read the 14 commandments again before commenting here, maybe taking some notes as I go this time.

Any comments from those of you who have read it?

Dilemma

I need some feedback! Especially from other AP/GP moms...

My church has a women's retreat coming up next month. It's for 2 nights. I'd be gone less than 48 hours. I'm so torn about what to do!

Pros:
1. I really could use some time I'm not Mommy 24/7.
2. I really could use the time of spiritual growth. I just don't have much time to focus on the Lord and study the Word at home.
3. It's less than 90 minutes away.
4. Getting Christian fellowship - opportunities to bless others and be blessed.
5. Jesse really wants me to go. He says I need and deserve it!

Cons:
1. I've never been away from Gabriel for more than a few hours (but he's not breastfed so that's not an issue).
2. The boys cosleep with me (but they'd have Jesse here instead).
3. Jesse would have to take care of both boys the whole time (but he says he has people he can call if he needs help).
4. I've only been away from Ethan twice - He stayed with Jesse when I was in the hospital with the flu (about 48 hrs), and he stayed with my best friend and her family when we were at the hospital when I had Gabriel (a few days but he saw us every day).
5. Afraid I would be worried about the boys the whole time (mainly Gabriel).

I'm leaning toward going but I'm just not sure...

Quick Update

Jesse and I talked last night. Really talked. He had a conversation earlier in the day with someone he knows who also has a difficult child. That and prayer gave him some perspective. Our discussion went really well :) I knew it was going to be fruitful when he asked if we could start it by praying!

Difficult Few Days

It all started Friday night...

We were at Jesse's parents'. Both his sisters were there with their families. There were 3 other kids besides our two. We all stayed pretty late. We've all been staying up late at home but I think he was a bit overstimulated from being around the other kids. By the time we left, Ethan was getting fussy. He had been not listening off and on all night but when we went to leave, he threw a FIT. Jesse ended up carrying him to the car and trying to get him in the carseat, despite his kicking, screaming, clawing, etc. After a few minutes Jesse's dad offered to carry Gabriel in his carseat out to the car. What followed was a disaster... I will spare the details, but by the time we finally drove off, both boys were crying in the backseat, I was furious with Jesse, and his dad had jumped all over me :( I was FURIOUS! And I rarely get like that. If my best friend hadn't been out of town, the boys and I would've dropped Jesse off at our house and gone to hers.

Jesse tried to give all of us some space Saturday and stayed in his home office working. I dealt with Ethan all day. He would shove his brother, take toys away, and generally take out his aggression on him. I had to stay in the room with him to keep Gabriel from getting hurt. Every tiny frustration was followed by a meltdown. Periodically throughout the day he would start hitting himself and pulling his hair when his anxiety really kicked in. Whenever he saw Jesse, he would start clearing his throat. By the end of the night I had realized it was an anxiety/OCD reaction. It was awful. I was hurt and Jesse and I hadn't spoken 5 words to each other in almost 24 hours. So unlike us...

Saturday night I told Jesse I needed to talk to him about what had happened. It turned into a blowout :( But we texted later after the boys and I went to bed and it got a little better.

Sunday was a little better. Ethan was somewhat calmer. Somewhat. He didn't freak out whenever Jesse came in the room, but the throat-clearing continued.

Today (Monday) was a little better than yesterday. Ethan was calmer. Still not normal. And whenever Jesse or I would correct him, he'd start clearing his throat again. Jesse's worried he can't breathe because of how he sounds when he does it. I'm positive it's a reaction to the stress.

Jesse and I still haven't talked about Friday night. It's up to him now. But I don't want it hanging over us. On paper, we agree on certain things as far as parenting and discipline. But in practice, we're often far apart :(

Oh, and on top of everything else, my uncle (my mom's sister's husband) isn't expected to make it another day before going home to his Savior. He's the one who performed our wedding so it's not the easiest thing to lose him. And we got up this morning to find our very first bird (a 10-yr-old budgie named Fraggle) dead on the cage bottom. We knew it was coming, but it's still sad.

Yet Another Reminder

Today was Gabriel's 1-yr check-up. I had 2 big reminders of the ways he's physically like me.

1. Narrow ear canals - At 13 mths old, they are still so tiny that his doctor got a partial glimpse of one today, and the other is still too narrow. He can manually open them but won't unless he suspects an ear infection. He said there's no reason to cause Gabriel unnecessary pain and aggravation. One of the reasons I like our pedi :-)

2. Susceptibility to yeast infections - My poor baby... He started with a diaper rash last week. It looked like it may be from yeast so I started some natural treatments. Over the weekend it got worse but not bad. Sunday night and Monday it got a lot worse. I knew his appointment was today so I figured I'd just let his pedi look at it and go from there. The pedi barely glanced down before confirming that it was definitely a yeast infection. Lotrimin AF twice a day for at least a week... He said we'd try OTC first and if it didn't respond well we'd look into other options. I know babies in diapers get fungal infections. But i really wonder if he's more susceptible to getting them. Like I am.

Some ways I've noticed he's like me - uses his left hand more (I'm left-handed); fairly easy-going; weaker immune system; shorter than average.

I hope he didn't get my horribly crooked teeth and doesn't fight depression and OCD like me!

Add Another One to the List

I've been trying a new "experiment" off and on with Ethan - going to the bathroom without him in there with me. I go into the bathroom and close the door (he hasn't figured out the safety handles yet). He's 3 1/2. He should be able to handle this. Right?!

He SCREAMS. FREAKS out. Absolute HYSTERIA.

So while Mommy is trying to take care of, um, monthly duties, he is outside the door banging, begging, jumping up and down, screaming, and having a severe bout of separation anxiety. Then when I come out he usually wants me to hold and comfort him.

Ready for those assessments to start anytime...

My New Adventure

I started the Couch to 5k program yesterday! Details on how my first day went are here http://cmlhealth.blogspot.com/2011/01/c25k-day-1.html

I've been wanting to work out again for almost a year but circumstances were such that it could not happen. Last month Jesse and I made a commitment to both start working out and we're doing great so far - we completed Day 1 LOL It took us a little while to get started. The main thing holding me back was the quest for shoes (details on my Health blog - Jan 2 and Jan 3). But I found them Monday and we started on Tuesday :-) Jesse watches the boys while I work out and vice versa.

It's such a challenge as the mommy of a high needs toddler and more-needy-than-average baby who can't sleep on his own to find time to do things for me. But we agreed that our health is important enough to find the time for. We already eat healthy for the most part. And both of us feel better when we're working out regularly.

But this is about more than just us. It's about being healthy to be able to enjoy playing with the boys. It's about giving us the best opportunity to spend many years to come being parents to our little blessings. And it's about cultivating healthy habits in them. Being examples of what TO do re food and exercise, not what NOT to do. They're little enough that we have a lot of influence over these things right now. It's up to us to take advantage of that opportunity to steer them in a positive direction that will affect the course of their whole lives.

And let's not forget the spiritual aspects of being healthy!
1. Exercise is a natural antidepressant.
2. Being in shape physically enables us to carry out God's work, particularly serving others. I don't want to be too fat and unhealthy to carry out the things God has planned for me!
3. Making healthy choices forces me to rely on God, rather than the flesh - for strength to resist temptation; for strength to get out there and work out when I don't feel like it; for encouragement to make the right choices even when they're not the easy choices.
4. And let's not forget that our (Christian) bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit and all that that entails!

I plan on blogging my workouts on my Health blog, but I will occasionally post my overall progress here too.

Life Is Too Busy

We're used to not being very busy. Well, not busy doing things that involve leaving the house. The boys wake up when they want. I wake up with Gabriel - Ethan sleeps later. We nibble at breakfast. They play. I alternate doing chores and spending time with them. Jesse works from home so he's in and out of his office. Laid back days. Once a week the boys and I run errands. Church on Sunday. Sometimes we'll have something else going on. But most days are fairly low key.

My mom lives on the other side of town. Due to some health issues, she can't drive. My only sibling doesn't live nearby so it's my responsibility to bring her to run her errands, go to doctor's appointments, etc. Which normally isn't a big deal. The boys and I enjoy seeing her once a week usually.

But lately... For the past month she's been in physical therapy Tuesday through Thursday. I set an alarm. Get the boys and I fed, pack diaper and snack bags, get us all dressed and out the door. Then go pick up Mom. Then drive back this way for her therapy. Find something for the boys and I to do. Bring her home. Get us back home. I get up at 7:30am. We get home about noon... One of those days we bring Mom to run her errands so we either come home after therapy and I make lunch for everyone or we eat out. Either way, it makes for a long day!

We've had other things going on that make us busier than usual too - Gabriel's birthday, Christmas errands, holiday family visits etc. A lot of weeks we've been gone 6-7 days, where we're usually gone 2.

It's just too busy for us...

The holidays are over. That part should calm down. Mom has 1 week of therapy left but it will likely be extended after the follow-up with her doctor this week.

All the busyness is taking a toll on us. Ethan's getting up a couple of hours earlier than usual. But not going to bed much earlier. His anxiety issues are flaring up from the overstimulation of constantly being on the go. I'm not getting enough sleep. And it's showing :-( I'm typing this on my cell, in bed, laying down, waiting for the boys to go to sleep. And a few minutes ago I yelled at Gabriel - for the first time ever :-( And it was right in his face because he was laying next to me. His face crumpled and he busted out crying. I almost did too... It wasn't that loud but it definitely wasn't good :-( The basic housecleaning isn't getting done. I asked Mom to schedule her PT for the mornings because that's when the boys are the most pleasant. By the time we get home and I fix lunch and we eat, their most content time is over. So it's hard to get anything done. Gabriel won't nap by himself and Ethan rarely naps. So I do what I can in between taking care of what they need.

Jesse's helping with the housework some. But between the time he's had to take off for the holidays and trying to work ahead in anticipation of an out-of-town trip coming soon (funeral) and the money we need for that, he's having to work a lot.

I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. And dealing with an anxious, defiant, overstimulated toddler. And an occasionally overstimulated and fussy baby.

Can't wait for things to get more back to normal, for a while at least...